Black Men & Women on Love & Relationships

 "In search of love and commitment: Dealing with the challenging odds of finding romance"


3 Solutions
Have both black men and women dissect and analyze the stereotypes that society has placed on them, and look at how they have carried over into their personal lives.  After raising awareness of how these stereotypes are affecting their interactions with their black counterparts, they should begin to seek ways to challenge these stereotypes.
Seek counseling to help build better communication skills.  This could be done on a personal basis, or as a couple.
Refrain from merely rushing into sexual relationships and seek to build real, healthy relationships with more solid foundations.

New York Times Article

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/11/opinion/sunday/black-and-female-the-marriage-question.html?pagewanted=all


I like the fact that this author shows the discrepancies in the statistics.  For instance, rather than just assuming that 70% of black women never marry, the author points out that 70.5% of black women between the ages of 25-29 have never been married, and that those in older age brackets have usually married by then, with about 13% of black women being the exception.  She also points out that the rate for black men between the ages of 25 -29 who have never married is actually higher as opposed to black women, with the men's rate being 73.1%.  The author further posits several reasons as to WHY black women (and men) are marrying so much later than people of other races, with one being the fact that more black women in this age range are attending college or pursuing professional success, as opposed to their black males.  One reason for the low number of available black men in this age bracket, is of course the high incarceration rate of black men.  The author ultimately shows that there is still room for concern, but not necessarily because of the low numbers in the dating pool.  Rather she suggests that, "The marriage debate highlights the need for black women to tell our own stories; it calls for an honest and holistic conversation that includes black men and it requires a critical analysis of structural inequities and mass incarceration."


 “African-American Women and the Male-Female Relationship Dilemma: A Counseling Perspective”

The Effect of Stereotypes
The stereotypes of black men and women that exist in society have come to be widely accepted by many black men and women themselves, in regards to each other.  These stereotypes have created a wedge between black men and women, who spend a lot of time blaming the other for their lack of success in dating, economic security, etc.
 
Counseling Approach
According to the author, the counselor's of black women need to help them address issues in areas such as processing grief and loss, enhancing effective communication, and confronting negative stereotypes.  I thought that these solutions were very interesting.  For one, I would never have claimed that black women need to grieve their lack of success in the dating pool/their failed interactions with black men.  I am not sure if I would quite say that this issue is equivalent to dealing with grief or loss.  In my opinion, this method makes women seem helpless and incapable of coping with their problems on their own.  Although I am not sure how I feel about the first suggestion, I find that the other two suggestions could in fact be very helpful, as I mentioned earlier.  For black men and  women, I say that addressing the negative stereotypes that exist would probably create a more effective way of communicating and understanding each other.


"What Mama Couldn't Teach Us about Love"


First I will start off by saying that I really enjoyed this article.  The anti-intimacy beliefs that it listed completely astounded me because I would have never considered some of them to be remnants of slavery.  I also found this article particularly appealing because for every negative anti-intmacy belief, it countered that with a positive truth, or life enhancing belief.  I honestly felt those life enhancing beliefs are something that I could begin to apply to my own life and see positive results from.  The two anti-intimacy beliefs that I am choosing are as follows:

1) "I'm not good enough to be loved."  This is a belief that I feel that many people still embody to this day.  We hear and negative portrayals of ourselves through society's eyes our entire lives.  And based on these we begin to believ the lie, that we're really not good enough.  Richardson and Wade point out that "the ideal slave had to have a deep sense of inferiority."  Well just like the society we live in today, black people were viewed negatively and talked about in such degrading ways.  We saw this in the film "Ethnic Notions," in which we learned of some of the negative stereotypes of Sambo, the Mammy, Zip Coon, Pickaninnies, etc.  These negative ideologies of black people have still carried over into society today, and one could even say have been expanded upon.  Society today still views black men as "good for nothing, lazy, aggressive, etc."  And women are still viewed as Jezebels, food stamp hoarding, hypersexual, etc.  If people are constantly having these negative stereotypes of black people reaffirmed, then it is no wonder why many people may feel like they aren't good enough to be loved.
2) No matter what I do, it won't make a difference."  This belief is based on the premise of hopelessness.  For many it seems that there are constant road blocks to success.  Even today, black people are under-represented in postions of power and societal ideas of racism are internalized in institutionally.  Just like the slaves and those who lived in the Jim Crow eras after, the odds sometimes seem highly stacked against us. With the high number of our black males being incarcerated we see a prime example of people who society has written off and who when released from prison often have little to no options or hope for improving their life situation.  We see this evidenced in the high number of black men who are unemployed and can't get  jobs.  I have heard of many situations in which people in these situations start off trying to do better, but then return to the life of crime they know because nothing else seems to make ends meet.

"Being A Man About It"

• Black manhood as defined by black men
• manhood as an interconnected state of being
• "a more collectivist world-view" in which black men understand and view their inter-dependencies in relation to others.
• manhood as a fluid process
• A process of being and becoming; growth and maturity over time.
• manhood as a redemptive process
• A process of making amends for one's past failures or shortcomings in the family and in the community
• manhood as a proactive course
• self autonomy; being able to maintain one's identity in facing and overcoming obstacles.  
• Top Two Themes deemed important by black men in this study
• Responsibility-Accountability
• I would say that this theme shocked me the most, because we always hear that Black men are lazy and irresponsible and are not interested in taking care of their families or progressing themselves.  This study shows however, that black men are aware of their responsibilities to/for themselves and their family, and take it seriously.
• Autonomy
• This theme is not as surprising because when you look at all of the images and stereotypes produced about black men, they are more than likely NOT the way they would choose to be presented.  Who wouldn't want to live in a world where they are actually given a fair shot at being who they want to be and becoming something even greater.  I really wish their destinies could become unraveled from the negative stereotypes society has placed on them - hopefully one day.